To feel loved, and to make others feel loved, takes time and the willingness to stay connected to our own feelings and the emotions of others. But modern life is often rushed and full of distractions, excitement, and temptations that divert our attention from our emotional experiences. These distractions absorb our time, attention, and energy, making it difficult to find the intimacy we need.
Over-scheduling and overloading ourselves, losing ourselves in technology, and taking advantage of quick fixes that mask core problems diverts us from the slower, more absorbing task of staying connected to ourselves and others.
Aspects of our disconnected world that can impact our ability to feel loved include:
Quick solutions that can make complicated problems worse
When dealing with health and emotional issues, we tend to look for the easiest solution rather than the best solution. Often that involves simply popping a pill—even when other, healthier options are available.
When Stephen’s boss asked him to move across the country to Chicago, he left behind his family and friends and everything he knew and loved. It wasn’t long before he became lonely and depressed. To combat his depression, Stephen’s new doctor prescribed antidepressants. The medication kept Stephen’s depression at a manageable level, but at the same time the drugs lessened his motivation to go out and meet new friends or explore the city. He either sat inside his office or at home on his couch, never giving Chicago, and his new life, a chance.
Joyce started taking antidepressants at her internist's suggestion when her executive job created more stress than she could bear. At the time, medication seemed like a good idea because it enabled her to continue working at the rapid pace, but two years later when Joyce became so ill she was forced to retire, she found it nearly impossible to withdraw from the medications she no longer wanted to take.
Both Stephen and Joyce opted for the quickest solution when faced with a complicated problem. Lifestyle changes that improve diet, exercise, and sleep have been shown to be as effective for treating mild to moderate depression as medications, without the unpleasant side effects. But taking a pill, for many people, is quicker and simpler. When antidepressants were first developed, they were referred to as emotional straitjackets. Their purpose was to avoid hospitalization for individuals who were suicidal or homicidal.
Today, antidepressants:
Serve a necessary purpose for those who really need them, but if you don't need them, or no longer need them, their continued use may have unwanted consequences.
Have numbing side effects that make it harder to feel emotions, even those you like such as love and joy.
Numb emotions and reduce motivation, making it more difficult to make changes and take constructive action.
Trying to build social lives around social networks
Technology can facilitate relationships by helping us reconnect with old friends and maintain relationships with people who don't live nearby. But these forms of communication don’t utilize nonverbal communication that is essential to gaining emotional fulfillment in a relationship. Instead of paying attention to the people around us, we’re answering our cell phones, checking emails, posting on social media sites, responding to texts, watching TV, or playing video games. Spending so much time in front of screens teaches us to be spectators instead of engaging with others.
Acme Products' sales team gathered for their weekly meeting. Most of the team members thought the meetings were terribly dull, and so they began bringing out their smart phones and using the time to respond to emails and surf the net. Because they were all focused on their virtual experiences rather than on connecting with each other, no one attempted to make the meetings more interesting, more interactive, or more productive.
Courting stress
Modern life is full of hassles, deadlines, frustrations, and demands that can overload your nervous system with stress. Overwhelming stress can:
Limit your actions to fighting, fleeing, or freezing.
Cause you to say and do things you later regret.
Cause you to misunderstand and misread other people.
Disrupt your capacity to think clearly and creatively and act appropriately.
Sometimes we even court stress by making choices that increase, rather than reduce, stress. Being constantly on the go can make us feel busy, important, wanted, and needed by others.
You court stress when you:
Make yourself available by smart phone or computer 24 hours a day.
"Relax" by watching TV or movies or by playing video games that are each increasingly louder, faster, more frightening, and more violent than the last one, making more and more demands of your nervous system.
Don’t get enough sleep or exercise, or eat a balanced diet.
Stress can also be made more complicated by early-life experiences that undermine our attempts to behave differently.
Through therapy, Jordan discovered his trust issues came from his relationship with his mother. He knew that his wife, Lois, was unlike his mother, but when pressure built and he became overwhelmed, Jordan’s anger spilled over and poisoned their marital relationship.
Liz grew up not knowing whether to expect kisses or slaps from her father. When she became a mother herself, Liz never hit her children, but she would fly into such rages that her kids feared her much as she had once feared her father.
Having no time to feel loved or make others feel loved
Feeling loved is a process that can’t happen when you’re thinking about something else, planning, problem solving, or otherwise absorbed in your own thoughts. It takes time to notice, understand, and respond to what you’re feeling or what another person feels.
Patrick was a conscientious pediatrician who made frequent house calls on the weekends. He had a large family of his own and his youngest son, Frank, wondered why his daddy took such good care of other children but didn’t have time for him.
Emotional exchanges that make you or the ones you love feel loved can only occur when you:
Take time for emotional connection.
Are relaxed.
Are able to be emotionally present in the moment.
Pay attention to the nonverbal cues that you and others send and receive.
