What the experience of feeling loved is like

Though it was after midnight, when Linda called her friend Joan with news about her recurrence of breast cancer, Joan immediately jumped out of bed and drove to Linda’s house. When she arrived, Joan hugged Linda and quickly made them both a cup of tea. Then, sitting close—close enough to put her arms around her—she asked her friend to tell her everything about her illness, including everything she was feeling.

When Frances saw the look on her husband's face, she knew Ed had experienced another discouraging day at work. No matter how hard Ed tried, he just couldn’t seem to please his boss. Frances quickly got a board game set up for the kids, and then gave Ed her undivided attention. Over the course of an hour, Frances was able to draw Ed out and patiently listen to his feelings until she saw a shift in his mood.

Do you have someone you can contact in the middle of the night if you’re upset, someone who’ll not only listen to you, but will genuinely care about what you’re feeling and want to help? Would your spouse or partner want to talk to you, or would he or she just roll over and tell you to go back to sleep? Even if you live alone, do you have someone who’s there to console you when you’re down and celebrate with you when you’re excited? Do you have someone you trust and feel safe with?

Feeling loved requires you to focus on what is happening in the moment between you and the other person. This is largely done through nonverbal communication or body language, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture and gestures, touch, and the timing and pace of a conversation. When you can pick up on another person’s nonverbal cues, you’ll be able to tell how he or she really feels and be able to respond accordingly.

• The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.
• Connecting to someone requires eye contact when they open up to you, a hug to show empathy, a gesture that says you’re listening when they talk, and a smile that says you care.