Why more feels like less

We have more things than ever before: more possessions, more food, more contacts, and more access to information and locations around the world. But even though we have so much more, it can often still feel like less.

How is that possible? Just as you can eat without being nourished and drink without quenching your thirst, you can be connected without feeling connected. You can satisfy an urge without feeling you’ve satisfied a need. You can have hundreds of friends online, instant message colleagues on the other side of the world, or order the same shirt in a dozen different colors and have it on your doorstep in days, but if you’re not making honest, face-to-face connections where you can touch, read non-verbal cues, or give undivided attention, than it’s nearly impossible to feel connected, or feel loved.

Similarly, you can express caring for others and receive care yourself without getting what you really need—that sense of feeling loved.

Why feeling loved is so important

When we feel loved we:

• Feel less stressed and more relaxed.
• Can be ourselves knowing that we are valued for who we really are.
• Don't have to hide or numb our feelings.
• Can connect to the wisdom of our emotions and our emotional intelligence.
• Are better able to cope with difficult situations and recover from setbacks and losses.
• Feel more self-confidence and find it easier to explore new possibilities and be creative.

When we don't feel loved, we struggle connecting to others

Too often our loved ones don’t seem to understand or appreciate us, and this makes us feel misunderstood or unimportant to those we’re supposed to be closest to. We hear them say, “I love you,” or they give us gifts or other tokens of love, but they rarely look at us or have the time to sit down with us for any length of time. Instead of feeling deeply connected to them, we feel confused, distanced, or disconnected.

Nancy did everything she could to make her children feel loved: She had natural births, breast fed them, carried them strapped against her skin, and read countless books on how to best care for their upcoming needs. But even though Nancy changed their diapers in a timely manner and fed them nutritious meals and took them to see the doctor when they were sick, her son grew up lonely without making many true friends, and her daughter often hid in her room and communicated with the world only from her computer. Nancy didn’t know where she went wrong. She imparted as much love as she thought she could, but as her life got busier and busier, she never read the signs that just because her children were loved, they didn’t feel loved, or self-confident enough to reach out to others.

In order to make others feel loved we first need to experience feeling loved ourselves. When we don't know what this experience is, we are apt to offer comfort and support that, though well intended, may miss the mark.

Things we do for loved ones that may not result in them feeling loved:

• Provide excellent physical care.
• Try to make them happy.
• Protect them from experiencing painful or disagreeable emotions.
• Provide intellectual stimulation.