What the experience of feeling loved is like

Though it was after midnight, when Linda called her friend Joan with news about her recurrence of breast cancer, Joan immediately jumped out of bed and drove to Linda’s house. When she arrived, Joan hugged Linda and quickly made them both a cup of tea. Then, sitting close—close enough to put her arms around her—she asked her friend to tell her everything about her illness, including everything she was feeling.

When Frances saw the look on her husband's face, she knew Ed had experienced another discouraging day at work. No matter how hard Ed tried, he just couldn’t seem to please his boss. Frances quickly got a board game set up for the kids, and then gave Ed her undivided attention. Over the course of an hour, Frances was able to draw Ed out and patiently listen to his feelings until she saw a shift in his mood.

Do you have someone you can contact in the middle of the night if you’re upset, someone who’ll not only listen to you, but will genuinely care about what you’re feeling and want to help? Would your spouse or partner want to talk to you, or would he or she just roll over and tell you to go back to sleep? Even if you live alone, do you have someone who’s there to console you when you’re down and celebrate with you when you’re excited? Do you have someone you trust and feel safe with?

Feeling loved requires you to focus on what is happening in the moment between you and the other person. This is largely done through nonverbal communication or body language, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture and gestures, touch, and the timing and pace of a conversation. When you can pick up on another person’s nonverbal cues, you’ll be able to tell how he or she really feels and be able to respond accordingly.

• The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.
• Connecting to someone requires eye contact when they open up to you, a hug to show empathy, a gesture that says you’re listening when they talk, and a smile that says you care.

Why we need to feel loved

The need to connect to others is a biological human need, similar to the need for food and water. We can't escape it; it’s hardwired into our brains. For most of human history, our survival depended on being with others to find food and shelter, protect us from predators, and to thrive intellectually. Even if we feel less dependent on others today, the need to connect still exists. No matter how much some of us might try to deny it, we hunger for that meaningful connection to others that makes us feel loved. Our instincts remain primed to:

• Pick up on nonverbal cues that tell us how others feel about us.
• Connect to faces that express caring and concern.
• Depend on emotional communication.
• Search for relationships that make us feel safe and secure.

Why more feels like less

We have more things than ever before: more possessions, more food, more contacts, and more access to information and locations around the world. But even though we have so much more, it can often still feel like less.

How is that possible? Just as you can eat without being nourished and drink without quenching your thirst, you can be connected without feeling connected. You can satisfy an urge without feeling you’ve satisfied a need. You can have hundreds of friends online, instant message colleagues on the other side of the world, or order the same shirt in a dozen different colors and have it on your doorstep in days, but if you’re not making honest, face-to-face connections where you can touch, read non-verbal cues, or give undivided attention, than it’s nearly impossible to feel connected, or feel loved.

Similarly, you can express caring for others and receive care yourself without getting what you really need—that sense of feeling loved.

Why feeling loved is so important

When we feel loved we:

• Feel less stressed and more relaxed.
• Can be ourselves knowing that we are valued for who we really are.
• Don't have to hide or numb our feelings.
• Can connect to the wisdom of our emotions and our emotional intelligence.
• Are better able to cope with difficult situations and recover from setbacks and losses.
• Feel more self-confidence and find it easier to explore new possibilities and be creative.

When we don't feel loved, we struggle connecting to others

Too often our loved ones don’t seem to understand or appreciate us, and this makes us feel misunderstood or unimportant to those we’re supposed to be closest to. We hear them say, “I love you,” or they give us gifts or other tokens of love, but they rarely look at us or have the time to sit down with us for any length of time. Instead of feeling deeply connected to them, we feel confused, distanced, or disconnected.

Nancy did everything she could to make her children feel loved: She had natural births, breast fed them, carried them strapped against her skin, and read countless books on how to best care for their upcoming needs. But even though Nancy changed their diapers in a timely manner and fed them nutritious meals and took them to see the doctor when they were sick, her son grew up lonely without making many true friends, and her daughter often hid in her room and communicated with the world only from her computer. Nancy didn’t know where she went wrong. She imparted as much love as she thought she could, but as her life got busier and busier, she never read the signs that just because her children were loved, they didn’t feel loved, or self-confident enough to reach out to others.

In order to make others feel loved we first need to experience feeling loved ourselves. When we don't know what this experience is, we are apt to offer comfort and support that, though well intended, may miss the mark.

Things we do for loved ones that may not result in them feeling loved:

• Provide excellent physical care.
• Try to make them happy.
• Protect them from experiencing painful or disagreeable emotions.
• Provide intellectual stimulation.

Improving your playful communication skills

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It’s never too late to develop and embrace your playful, humorous side. Self-consciousness and concern for how you look and sound to others is probably a big factor that’s limiting your playfulness. But as a baby, you were naturally playful; you didn’t worry about the reactions of other people.

You can reclaim your inborn playfulness by setting aside regular, quality playtime. The more you joke, play, and laugh—the easier it becomes.
Cultivating your sense of humor and playfulness

The process of learning to play depends on your preferences. Begin by observing what you already do that borders on fun or playful. For example, do you like:

•     telling or listening to jokes
•     watching funny movies or TV shows
•     dancing around to cheesy music when you’re alone
•     singing in the shower
•     daydreaming
•     reading the funny pages

After you recognize things you already enjoy, you can try to incorporate more playful activities into your life. The important thing is to find enjoyable activities that loosen you up and help you embrace your playful nature with other people.

Don’t use humor to cover up other emotions

Humor and shared playfulness help you stay resilient in the face of life’s challenges. But there are times when humor is not healthy—when it is used as a cover for avoiding, rather than coping with, painful emotions. Laughter can be a disguise for feelings of hurt, fear, anger, and disappointment that you don’t want to feel or don’t know how to express.

You can be funny about the truth—but covering up the truth isn’t funny. When you use humor and playfulness as a cover for other emotions, you create confusion and mistrust in your relationships. The following are examples of misplaced humor:

Mike is a constant jokester. Nothing ever seems to get him down and he never takes anything seriously. No matter what happens to him or to anyone else, he makes a joke out of the situation. In reality, Mike is scared to death of dark feelings, conflict, and intimacy. He uses humor to avoid uncomfortable feelings and to keep other people at arm’s length.

Sharon is often jealous and possessive with her boyfriend Kevin. But she has never learned to openly discuss her insecurities and fears. Instead, she uses what she thinks is humor to express her feelings. However, her "jokes” usually having a biting, almost hostile edge and do not seem at all funny to Kevin, who responds with coldness and withdrawal.

For cues as to whether or not humor is being used to conceal other emotions, ask yourself the following questions:

•     Do nonverbal communication signals— such as tone of voice, intensity, timing—feel genuinely humorous to you, or do you experience them as forced or "not right” somehow?
•     Is humor the only emotion you routinely express, or is there a mixture of other emotions that at least occasionally includes sadness, fear, and anger?

Make sure both partners are in on the joke

Humor and playfulness can strengthen relationships—but only when both people are in on the joke. It’s important to be sensitive to the other person. If your partner, friend, or colleague isn’t likely to appreciate the joke, don’t say or do it, even if it’s "all in good fun.” When playfulness is one-sided rather than mutual, it undermines trust and goodwill and damages the relationship.

 Consider the following example:
Michelle’s feet are always cold when she gets into bed, but she has what she thinks is a playful solution. She heats up her icy feet by placing them on her husband Kevin’s warm body. However, this isn’t a game he enjoys. Kevin has repeatedly told Michelle that he doesn’t appreciate being used as a foot warmer, but she just laughs at his complaints. Lately, Kevin has taken to sleeping at the far edge of the bed, a solution that distances them as a couple.

Playful communication in relationships should be equally fun and enjoyable for both people. If your friend or partner doesn’t think your joking or teasing is funny—it’s not. So before you start playing around, take a moment to consider your motives, as well as your partner or friend’s state of mind and sense of humor.

Ask yourself the following questions:

•     Do you feel calm, clear-headed, and connected to the other person?
•     Is your true intent to communicate positive feelings—or are you taking a dig, expressing anger, or laughing at the other person’s expense?
•     Are you sure that the joke will be understood and appreciated?
•     Are you aware of the emotional tone of the nonverbal messages you are sending? Are you giving off positive, warm signals or a negative, aggressive, or hostile tone?
•     Are you sensitive to the nonverbal signals the other person is sending? Do they seem open and receptive to your humor, or closed-off and offended?
•     Are you willing and able to back off if the other person responds negatively to the joke?
•     If you say or do something that offends, is it easy for you to immediately apologize?

Use humor to defuse conflict

When conflict and disagreement throw a wrench in your relationships, humor and playfulness can help lighten things up and restore a sense of connection. Used skillfully and respectfully, playful humor can turn conflict into an opportunity for shared fun and intimacy. It allows you to get your point across without getting the other person’s defenses up or hurting their feelings. For example:

Lori’s husband comes home sweaty and dirty from his job. This turns her off, and she can’t imagine being intimate with him under these circumstances. But when she says he should take a bath, he gets angry and accuses her of not appreciating what he does for a living. So instead, Lori turns on the water, begins playfully peeling off his clothes, and joins him in the tub.

Alex is retired, but he still goes up on the roof to clean the gutters. His wife, Angie, has told him numerous times that it scares her when he gets up there on the ladder. Today, instead of her usual complaints, she yells up to him, "You know, it’s husbands like you who turn wives into nags.” Alex laughs and comes down from the roof.

Humor and playfulness—free or hurtful sarcasm or ridicule—neutralize conflict by helping you:

•     Interrupt the power struggle, instantly easing tension and allowing you to reconnect and regain perspective.
•     Be more spontaneous. Shared laughter and play helps you break free from rigid ways of thinking and behaving, allowing you to see the problem in a new way and find a creative solution.
•     Be less defensive. In playful settings, we hear things differently and can tolerate learning things about ourselves that we otherwise might find unpleasant or even painful.
•     Let go of inhibitions. Laughter opens us up, freeing us to express what we truly feel and allowing our deep, genuine emotions to rise to the surface.