Tips To Surviving The Holidays As A Single

 

It's that time of year again and you're still single? Here's some tips to beat holiday loneliness.

There are so many things to think about this holiday season—holiday parties, gift exchanges, and holiday decor. When you're single, you have plenty of advantages; you don't have to choose which side of the family to spend Thanksgiving with or what to get your mother-in-law. The downside is that you may need to attend the dreaded holiday work party solo or sit alone on New Year's Eve, but the holidays shouldn't be a time for singles to fear.

Here are some ways to maximize the "happiest time of the year" while being single:

 

1. Find a holiday party buddy. Girl or guy, married or unmarried—grab someone you know who wants to join in on the holiday fun. Make a deal with your married sister so she'll come to holiday parties with you and her husband won't have to. You can go to your pal's work holiday party and he can come to yours. That way, you'll get in all the socialization of the holidays without having to worry about standing alone under the mistletoe. The holidays are about being around people you love, whomever they might be.

2. Say NO to gift-giving. It's easy to get into this slump of stressing, shopping, and searching for the perfect gifts for your friends. Try asking your friends for some quality time instead by saying, "Instead of getting gifts this year, maybe we can just do something fun together." Every year, my best friend and I skip the gifts and treat each other to some sort of outing together. We actually look forward to it; we both get what we want and we get to be together. There's no stress and you get what really matters.

3. Be your own Santa. Whatever you want, give it to yourself—that beautiful necklace, pair of boots, cologne. If there's something you've been saving up for, buy it for yourself. Why wait? The holidays are about making yourself happy, too.

4. Give back. The holidays can be a depressing time for singles and you may catch that loneliness bug. But, there are plenty of people—single, married, or otherwise—who have a lot less than you do. Everyone's got their own struggle and set of problems. Find a local charity you believe in and give back, feed the homeless, read to the elderly, or tutor children. Not only is it beneficial to the community, but it'll remind you that there's a big world out there with people just like you, making every day happen.

5. Indulge. Have an extra glass of champagne or eat that extra bit of chocolate. It's the holidays! Why not get a little crazy? You'll have fun.

6. Cure loneliness for another. Now is the time to say "hello" to that guy who sits alone at lunch or your neighbor who never has any visitors. Loneliness is universal, whether you're single or married. Connecting with another human being is what captures the spirit of the holidays, so if you're feeling lonely, this might be a comforting exercise to get to know someone who understands. And, if you're not, it's an act of kindness that will bring you all kinds of good graces.

7. Don't overthink the holidays. Not having a date on New Year's Eve doesn't mean you won't date all year, and going to one holiday party alone doesn't define your year. It's tempting to blow the holidays out of proportion and get caught up in the hype, but most of that is in your head. Don't overthink and try to have fun.

Relax. Indulge. Enjoy. Santa will be sure to bring treats to singles who maximize their holiday time.

Remind Yourself Before A First Date

 

 

Don't let panic dictate your love life! Find out how to calm your first date nerves.

Breathe. You're about to go on a first date. You're running through all the possibilities in your head — from fantasizing about the best possible scenario of love at first sight, to dreading the horrific possibility of sitting across the table from a weirdo all night. Or maybe even the worst of all — meeting your dream lover to be brutally rejected upon his or her first glance of you.

As a matchmaker, I've set up a lot of first dates. And I appreciate it when my clients get nervous. I think it’s normal and healthy, and it shows that you care about yourself, the other person, and the outcome. Good for you. So take a deep breath and give yourself a pep talk before the first date. Remind yourself of these 5 things, and let them calm your nerves.

    Your date is nervous, too. Unless your date is a blow-up doll, your date is probably calming his or her own nerves too. Your date has agreed to meet you, which means he or she is willing to check you out. The million scenarios that ran through your head likely ran through your date's head as well. This isn't a job interview where your potential boss is only scanning you for a good impression; it's a date where two people are evaluating each other. It's absolutely human to have nerves, so it should give you some peace to know your date is probably jittering too.
     You can't control everything. Of course you should show up with your game face on, look the part, and play the part. But so many factors are out of your hands — from the weather to whether your date thinks your jokes are funny. Since you can only prepare so much, leave the rest up to the universe.
    Energy is more easily read than you think. I'll hear clients often say, "I don't think I showed her how fun I can be because I was so nervous!" Unless you suffer from serious, debilitating anxiety, for the most part, your date will probably read your overall energy despite the nerves. Meaning, if you’re a talkative person up for adventure, but your nerves get you stuttering and telling boring stories, your date may still leave with the impression that you are a talkative but adventurous person, but with first date jitters.
    You'll have a story to tell later. Part of the fun of dating is sharing the experience with your loved ones. You're in the game and living your life, and part of that is experiencing new things. The funny mishaps at dinner, the totally offensive things your date may say, your own flubs — those will be stories to tell your grandkids.
    You're worth it. Somebody thought you were worth spending time on — whether that be your matchmaker, your friend who set you up, or the other person who agreed to go out with you. Even if the date doesn't end up in marriage and kids, there was something about you that got you to this point. Someone believed in you, and you should believe in yourself. Everyone has something special to show, and you’re no different.

So, to recap: first, inhale deeply. Then exhale. Repeat the process, and with each breath, let each one of these first date reminders slowly settle your first date jitters.

Tips Just For Women

If it’s been a while since you’ve been on a first date, here are a few pointers to ensure your next one is a success.
10 first date tips just for women:
1. Relax. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be witty, smart or alluring. Don’t get caught up in the version of yourself you wish you were. He wants to date the real you.
2. Dress smart. First impressions matter, yes, but so does comfort. Don’t wear heels to a picnic date, for example. Pick an outfit that makes you feel great, look great, doesn’t reveal too much and is age-appropriate.
3. Show respect. Show up on time, be polite to the waitstaff, and give your date your undivided attention. (Don’t worry. If you don’t hit it off, you don’t have to date him again. But while you’re on the date, show off your social etiquette skills.)
4. Turn off your phone. Your friends and Twitter followers are not invited on the date.
5. Let him lead. If he wants to pay, let him pay. (Note: If you offer to split the bill, be prepared to actually split the bill. Don’t play games.) Remember that he’s likely nervous and is trying to figure out first-date rules, too. You’ll have plenty of time in the future to figure out gender-role stuff if you develop a relationship. In the meantime, respect his wishes to lead. Let him follow up after the date, too.
6. Be decisive. Hemming and hawing all night — “I don’t know, what do you think? What do you want to do? It’s your call.” — isn’t attractive. If your date gives you options, pick one.
7. Be present. Show interest in your date and be an active listener. Don’t let it be all about you. (If you talk non-stop when you’re nervous, try to be aware of this and intentionally refocus the conversation on him.)
8. Address the elephant in the room. If something feels awkward, if you wish you could take back something you said, or if your mind just went blank and you can’t remember your mom’s name, speak up. By acknowledging that your brain just failed you, you’ll be breaking the ice and making him more comfortable, too.
9. Establish boundaries. Be careful to not share too much on a first date. This isn’t an arranged marriage; you’ll have second and third dates to share more. Be clear about physical boundaries if he’s over-eager. Sex on a first date is never, ever a good idea.
10. Don’t drink too much. A glass of wine is fine, but try to get to know each other sober. You can always drink on your honeymoon.
What is your favorite first date advice?

Tips Just For Men

She said yes. Now what? As you prep for Friday night’s date, here are some tips and reminders to help make that first date a success.

1. Plan it. Have an answer for when and where the date will be. Try to pick a location that’s comfortable and conducive to conversation. While movie dates are popular, they’re not great for first dates as you’ll both be staring at a screen all night. If the idea of staring at her from across a table all night intimidates you, choose an interactive date. Even if you have nothing in common, you can at least laugh about your poor mini-golf skills together.
2. Pay. Even if she offers, insist on paying for the date — especially if you initiated the date in the first place. As a couple, you’ll figure out how to split and cover bills later. But for now, pick up the check.
3. Be confident. She already said yes. She wants to be there.
4. Dress to impress. You don’t need to wear a suit and tie to the local pub, but it wouldn’t hurt to brush your teeth and put on a shirt that doesn’t look slept in.
5. Be on time. And be gracious if she’s fashionably late. (She probably just doesn’t want to show up before you get there.)
6. Be attentive.  Listen. Smile.
7. Use compliments appropriately. She likely put some effort into her look for you, so offer her a compliment or two. Avoid a never-ending list of praise — it can get overwhelming — or comments that sound too sexual. “Beautiful” is better than “smokin’.”
8. Prove that chivalry is not dead. Sure, she’s an independent woman. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t open the door for her.
9. Say goodnight. Don’t let the evening end with a fizzle. Be intentional about saying goodbye, and initiate one of the following: a handshake, hug, or kiss. Don’t leave her standing there awkwardly at the end of the night.
10. Follow up. Ignore those three-day rules. If you had a great time, let her know the next day.
What is the best first date advice you have ever gotten?

Relationship Bliss

Tips For Relationship Bliss

Fairy-tale love is hard to find—here are some tips for keeping your relationship healthy and happy.

One of the most common questions we hear is, "How do we make our relationship work?" The answers are complicated, varied, and, after a while, can start to sound like muddled platitudes. But these commonplace sayings get repeated because they work. With this in mind, we pulled together 12 cliches that, in fact, reveal simple, tried-and-true advice for having a healthy, happy relationship.

1. Mind your manners. "Please," "thank you" and "you're welcome," can go a long way in helping your partner remember that you respect and love him and don't take him for granted.

2. Variety is the spice of life. Studies have shown that dullness can lead to dissatisfaction with a relationship. Trying something new can be as simple as visiting an unfamiliar restaurant or as grand as a backpacking trip through Sri Lanka. Discoveries you make together will keep you feeling close.

3. The couple that plays together, stays together. Find a sport or hobby that you both love (no, watching TV does not count) and make that a priority in your relationship. Camping, biking, building model trains... whatever it is, find something you enjoy doing together.

4. Fight right. In order to have productive arguments, keep these rules in mind. Don't call your spouse names. When things get really tough, take a break from the argument. Let the other person finish his/her sentences. Don't initiate a discussion when you're angry.

5. I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine. No one likes demands (unless you're in a BDSM role play), but everyone can appreciate a compromise. If you want your lover to do something and you're not sure he'll be agreeable, the quickest way to avoid a confrontation is to sweeten the deal. For example: "Sure, I'll watch Monday Night Football if you take me to see the next movie of my choice."

Tips Everyone Forgets

Tips Everyone Forgets


    “To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”
    ―Elizabeth Gilbert

If you’re in a relationship, intimate or platonic, that could use a little help, the tips below will come in handy…

1.  Let go of old wounds through forgiveness.

Every moment of your life you are either growing or dying – and when you are physically healthy, it’s a choice, not fate.  The art of maintaining happiness in your life and relationships relies on the fine balancing act of holding on and letting go.  Yes, sometimes people you trust (including yourself) will hurt you.  Being hurt is something you can’t avoid, but being continuously miserable is always a choice.  Forgiveness is the remedy.  You have to let go of what’s behind you before you can grasp the goodness in front of you.

2.  Come clean when you make a mistake.

An honest heart is the beginning of everything that is right with this world.  The most honorable people of all are not those who never make mistakes, but those who admit to them when they do, and then go on and do their best to right the wrongs they’ve made.  In the end, being honest might not always win you a lot of friends and lovers, but it will always keep the right ones in your life. 

3.  Stop gossiping and start communicating.

A good rule of thumb:  If you can’t say it to their face, you shouldn’t say it behind their back.  As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.”  Life is much too short to waste talking about people, gossiping, and stirring up trouble that has no substance.  If you don’t know, ask. If you don’t agree, say so.  If you don’t like it, speak up.  But never judge people behind their back.

4.  Give others the space to make their own decisions.

Stop judging others by your own past.  Never act, judge, or treat people like you know them better than they know themselves.  They are living a different life than you are.  What might be good for one person may not be good for another.  What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better.  Allow the people in your life to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.

5.  Do things that make YOU happy.

If you want to awaken happiness in a relationship, start by living a life that makes you happy and then radiate your happiness into your relationship.  If you want to eliminate suffering in a relationship, start by eliminating the dark and negative parts of yourself, and then radiate your positivity into your relationship.  Truly, the greatest power you have in this world is the power of your own self-transformation.  All the positive change you seek in any relationship starts with the one in the mirror. 

6.  Show your loved ones your kindness in small ways every day.

Aesop once said, “No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  Always be kinder than necessary.  You never know what someone is going through.  Sometimes you have to be kind to someone, not because they’re being nice, but because you are.  Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life
around.

7.  Say less when less means more.

It takes some courage to stand up and speak; it takes even more courage to open your mind and listen.  Pay attention and be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.  The people in your life often need a listening ear more than they need a rambling voice.  And don’t listen with the intent to reply; hear what is being said with the intent to understand.  You are as beautiful as the love you give, and you are as wise as the silence you leave behind.

8.  Let your love and trust overpower your fear.

You never lose by loving; you lose by holding back.  No relationship is impossible until you refuse to give it a chance.  Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to.  Without this trust, a relationship cannot survive.  You cannot just believe what you fear from others; you have to believe in the good faith of others.  If you are ever going to have someone trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too.

9.  Accept, don’t expect.

Unconditional acceptance is something we want, but rarely ever give out.  Remember, people never do anything that is out of character.  They may do things that go against your expectations, but what people do reveals exactly who they are.  Never force your expectations on people, other than the expectation that they will be exactly who they are.  Who they are is not what they say or what you have come to expect, it is who they reveal themselves to be.  Either you accept them as they are, or you move on without them. 

10.  Let the wrong ones go.

Know your worth!  When you give your time to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of your heart you will never get back.  All failed relationships hurt, but losing someone who doesn’t appreciate and respect you is actually a gain, not a loss.  Some people come into your life temporarily simply to teach you something.  They come and they go and they make a difference.  It’s perfectly okay that they’re not in your life anymore.  You now have more time to focus on the relationships that truly matter.
Afterthoughts

Remember, even the healthiest relationships have small flaws.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble.  Accept the fact that there will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good.  Instead of constantly looking for signs of what’s not working in your relationship, what you need to do is look for signs of what is, and then use this as a solid foundation to build upon.
Your turn…

Building a Loving Relationship

How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? Where did we learn? At home? At school? There is an art and science to building strong relationships. These indispensable tips were written with romantic relationships in mind, but with a little modification you can apply them to your friendships, family and even work relationships.

1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid.

Don’t interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don’t make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you’re too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe and “calm down.”

Remember: your partner is not the enemy.


2. Separate the facts from the feelings.

What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I’m seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What’s the real truth? Once you’re able to differentiate facts from feelings, you’ll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity.

3. Connect with the different parts of yourself.

Each of us is not a solo instrument. We’re more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your ‘gut’ saying? For example: My mind is saying ‘definitely leave her,’ but my heart says ‘I really love her.’ Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self.

4. Develop and cultivate compassion.

Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don’t have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.

5. Create a “we” that can house two “I’s”.

The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self, compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual “I” contributes to the creation of a “we” that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don’t need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they’re often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

6. Partner, heal thyself.

Don’t expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don’t try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.


7. Ask questions when you’re unsure or are making assumptions.

All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners’ behavior means. For example: “She doesn’t want to cuddle; she must not really love me anymore.” We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self — heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what’s not being said — the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken.

8. Make time for your relationship.

No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making “playdates” and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.

9. Say the “hard things” from love.

Become aware of the hard things that you’re not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you’re feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.


There you have it. Be kind to yourselves. Remember: change takes time and every step counts.