Thursday, November 21, 2013

Parents Fight Continues

Who has not had a fight, argument and will not budge when he feels right. Any person young or old must have a fight. Of the sepals to the serious stuff.
The quarrel was not immune from the couple. Marriage is the union of two distinct persons, of the mindset, bred background, culture, and principles. So do not be surprised if the husband and wife often quarrel, especially in the early days of marriage. However, if you are a married couple who already have a baby, let alone still under 5 years, it's good to start reducing this habit, especially when you're with your kids.
According to Eunice Henny Wirawan, Faculty of Psychology, University of Tarumanegara, Jakarta, children often see their parents quarrel could doubt happiness and peace promised a marriage bond.
Do not be surprised if a lot lately minded not to get married, because of the trauma she experienced as a child. Some of my friends for example. In addition to the modern era and have not had the time again to marry at an early age, many of my friends share that the reason they do not want to get married because of trauma or postpone marriage would someday like her father before marriage. Dengna filled with commotion and strife.
Furthermore, the more often children see their parents fight, children will be less respect to his parents. Parents who have taught many moral values ​​of a, b, c, d, e, they themselves also were violated. Parents always teach the child to respect others, make friends with all the people, etc., but when kids see that in fact the behavior of the parents do not like what they teach, then the child will be even less respect for you as a parent.
When the child saw his father often scolded her mother, then the child will be even less respect for him, for they saw that his own father did not respect his mother.
Children, especially under 5 years easy to record and imitate what people do around it. Plus, they also have a sharper memory at that age. So if you give a bad example to your child, then they will imitate. Seringkan heard stories that scrappy kid with her, because who likes to imitate his father hit his mother? This is not the only story in soap operas, but also often occur in the real world.
Other effects, children can become more insecure. Especially when they see other families that get along and be happy. They will tend to compare it with the state of his family that there is no peace. Then they will feel insecure and embarrassed, could not even allow his play to the house. Some chose to confine himself in a room, away from the storm center, pretended not to hear and often become lazy at home.
Your child will you not experience these things? Start now more careful when sparks begin to occur that will trigger a fight with your spouse. Contention is sometimes unavoidable, but you can avoid children hear or see it, especially when they are still small.

Sleep orderly Can Make Slim Body

Regular sleep patterns many benefits. One study reported sleep and wake up at the same hour will make people more slender than those with messy sleep schedule.
In a study published in the journal American Journal of Health Promotion, researchers from Brigham Young University, USA, involving 300 women aged 17-26 years. Studies conducted several weeks it found that those who had good sleep habits or more consistently have less body fat.
Volunteers was assessed body composition. They were also given activity monitoring tool to record the movement of the day and their sleep patterns at night. The result, researchers found those who slept less than 6.5 hours or more than 8.5 hours turned out to have body fat levels higher.
Women with a variety of sleep and wake up more than 90 minutes during the week have levels higher body fat than those who have a variety of sleep and woke up less than 60 minutes.
Professor Bruce Bailey, a professor of exercise science Brigham Young University, said the low quality of sleep can result in a high body fat because hormones related to appetite. "We got rid of the internal clock and internal clock and not allow it to get a pattern that has influence in our physiology," Bailey said as quoted by the Daily Mail.
He added that there are several ways to improve the quality of sleep, including regular exercise, making the bedroom is quiet and dark, and only use the bed for sleeping. "Sleep is often the victim of an attempt to do more work and better," said Bailey.

What is a muscle cramp?

Many of us have cramps (spasms) muscle during exercise. Of course this will be an obstacle to getting the best results from exercise. So what is a muscle cramp, and how muscle cramps can happen? 

Often-Cramps-Muscle-Maybe-This-cause
Cramping is a brief contraction that appears suddenly and excruciating pain in a muscle or muscle group. Cramps often experienced by healthy people, especially during or after hard exercise. This condition is also experienced by middle-aged parents after mild exercise or during breaks. Most people experience cramps in the legs during sleep. This painful cramps usually occur in the calf muscles and legs so that the feet and toes bend inwards. Causes of Muscle Cramps
The interesting thing about muscle cramps exact cause is not known. This is a very common problem, but scientists are still unsure about the exact cause. Many interesting ideas have been put forward. Some say that this is due to the lack of heating / stretching and contraction of muscle cramps occur when disturbed and damaged by acids or other damage in the muscle. Health experts also believe that the cramping is a sign of dehydration which can be prevented by drinking water before exercise. Lastly, there are many people who believe that it is due to lower levels of salt and essential minerals in the body. When Exercise Prevent Muscle Cramps
A healthy muscle is much less likely to experience muscle cramps than new to exercise and muscle old and broken. Stretching on a regular basis is one of the best ways to prevent muscle cramps due to lengthen muscle fibers and helps them to maintain healthy function. One of the best things you can do to prevent muscle cramps is to stretch and improve the health and flexibility of your muscles. Overcome Muscle Cramps As Exercise
When your muscles run out of oxygen you are likely to experience cramping. Exercise when muscle cramps will only make more oxygen loss and make your cramps worse. It's important to exercise in a cool environment, away from the scorching heat. It is very very influential on the body cramps. If you are running on a hot day, try to go in and do light exercise in a cooler place. Drink To Replace Lost Fluids
And last, a little stretch your muscles and hold for a few minutes. Allow the body to relax your muscles when you stretch. It is one of the best way of stopping the pain.
The more you practice from time to time, the less likely you are to experience muscle cramps. Remember to always drink and stretch before, during, and after exercise so that you are free from muscle cramps.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Setting hurt and anger aside


The key to co-parenting is to focus on your children—and your children only. Yes, this can be very difficult. It means that your own emotions—any anger, resentment, or hurt—must take a back seat to the needs of your children. Admittedly, setting aside such strong feelings may be the hardest part of learning to work cooperatively with your ex, but it’s also perhaps the most vital. Co-parenting is not about your feelings, or those of your ex-spouse, but rather about your child’s happiness, stability, and future well-being.

Separating feelings from behavior

It’s okay to be hurt and angry, but your feelings don’t have to dictate your behavior. Instead, let what’s best for your kids—you working cooperatively with the other parent—motivate your actions.
  • Get your feelings out somewhere else. Never vent to your child. Friends, therapists, or even a loving pet can all make good listeners when you need to get negative feelings off your chest. Exercise can also be a healthy outlet for letting off steam.
  • Stay kid-focused. If you feel angry or resentful, try to remember why you need to act with purpose and grace: your child’s best interests are at stake. If your anger feels overwhelming, looking at a photograph of your child may help you calm down.
  • Use your body. Consciously putting your shoulders down, breathing evenly and deeply, and standing erect can keep you distracted from your anger, and can have a relaxing effect.

Children in the middle

You may never completely lose all of your resentment or bitterness about your break up, but what you can do is compartmentalize those feelings and remind yourself that they are your issues, not your child's. Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children.
  • Never use kids as messengers. When you have your child tell the other parent something for you, it puts him or her in the center of your conflict. The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship issues, so call or email your ex yourself.
  • Keep your issues to yourself. Never say negative things about your ex to your children, or make them feel like they have to choose. Your child has a right to a relationship with his or her other parent that is free of your influence.

Co-parenting after a separation or divorce

Joint custody arrangements, especially after an acrimonious split, can be exhausting and infuriating. It can be extremely difficult to get past the painful history you may have with your ex and overcome any built-up resentment. Making shared decisions, interacting with each another at drop-offs, or just speaking to a person you’d rather forget all about can seem like impossible tasks. But while it’s true that co-parenting isn’t an easy solution, it is the best way to ensure your children’s needs are met and they are able to retain close relationships with both parents.
It may be helpful to start thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one—one that is entirely about the well-being of your children, and not about either of you. Your marriage may be over, but your family is not; doing what is best for your kids is your most important priority. The first step to being a mature, responsible co-parent is to always put your children's needs ahead of your own.

Co-parenting is the best option for your children

Through your parenting partnership, your kids should recognize that they are more important than the conflict that ended the marriage—and understand that your love for them will prevail despite changing circumstances. Kids whose divorced parents have a cooperative relationship:
  • Feel secure. When confident of the love of both parents, kids adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and have better self-esteem.
  • Benefit from consistency. Co-parenting fosters similar rules, discipline, and rewards between households, so children know what to expect, and what’s expected of them.
  • Better understand problem solving. Children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems themselves.
  • Have a healthy example to follow. By cooperating with the other parent, you are establishing a life pattern your children can carry into the future.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think


When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse
Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

  •     Rigidly controlling your finances.
  •     Withholding money or credit cards.
  •     Making you account for every penny you spend.
  •     Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
  •     Restricting you to an allowance.
  •     Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
  •     Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).
  •     Stealing from you or taking your money.

Physical abuse and domestic violence


When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuseAny situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .
  • The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
  • The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
  • The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
  • There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Signs of an abusive relationship

 
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings   &  Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior

Do you:
  • feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
  • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
  • feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?  
  • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
  • wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
  • feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

Does your partner:
  • humiliate or yell at you?
  • criticize you and put you down? 
  • treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
  • ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
  • blame you for their own abusive behavior?
  • see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats  &   Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?onstantly check up on you?
  
Does your partner:
  • act excessively jealous and possessive?
  • control where you go or what you do?
  • keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  • limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  • constantly check up on you?

Understanding domestic violence and abuse

Women don’t have to live in fear:In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Canada: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010.
Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.

Male victims of abuse can call:
    U.S. and Canada: The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women
    UK: ManKind Initiative
    Australia: One in Three Campaign



Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Boost your EQ

As we know, it’s not always the smartest person or the one with the most relevant skills that gets the job. Rather, the successful candidate is often the one who has the best “people skills”, who can relate easily to others. In other words, it’s the person with a high emotional intelligence (EQ). Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage emotions in positive ways to communicate effectively and empathize with others. If you have a high emotional intelligence you are able to:
  • Recognize your own emotional state and the emotional states of others.
  • Engage with people in a way that draws them to you.
  • Pick up on emotional cues, communicate effectively, and develop strong relationships.

     Along with the ability to quickly manage stress, emotional awareness is a primary skill of emotional intelligence that can be learned. Being able to connect to your emotions—having a moment-to-moment awareness of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions—is the key to understanding yourself and others.

Find commonalities
One way to apply emotional awareness in an interview situation is to find common human connections with the interviewer. If you set out with the intention to discover how you and the person interviewing you are connected and what you share, you will discover commonalities much faster. And the interviewing process will be much less intimidating because of it.

Tips for discovering commonalities with your interviewer:
  • Do your research. Google every person you know you are going to meet or think you might meet in the interview, especially senior executives. Learn what might be common areas of interest in advance.
  • Listen and pay attention. If you listen during the interview and look for commonalities, they will seem omnipresent. When your interviewer mentions his or her alma mater, weekend plans, kids, or favorite restaurant, you have the chance to ask questions and find common ground. You can also take a look around the office. Do you see a book you’ve read, a product you want or just bought, or a photo you like? If so, you have a means to discuss commonalities.
  • Lead with your interests and passions. How you introduce yourself and talk about yourself in the interview matters. If you integrate facts and interests into your spiel about yourself, then you create opportunities to connect. After the "What do you do?" or "Tell me about yourself" query, tell your story.
  • Find common ground in the context. Where you are meeting, your surroundings, and the purpose of your connection are all reference points. There is a reason why both of you find yourself at this unique place and time. Why are you both in this business? Do you know the any of the same people?
While searching for commonalities, avoid pummeling your interviewer with a series of set questions. Let the interview happen naturally, but keep an eye out for hints of commonalities. Once you do, the world will feel like a smaller, friendlier place and your anxiety over interviewing will shrink.

Job interview preparation tips

Interviews range from conversations lasting a few minutes to several formal meetings, sometimes with more than one interviewer. Interviews allow you to demonstrate that you are the right candidate for the job, but you are not alone if interviews make you nervous. The better prepared you are, the more relaxed and comfortable you will be when the questions start coming your way.


Job interview preparation tips:
  • Do your research. Gather information about the company and the position available. Try to specifically relate your experience to the duties the job opportunity entails.
  • Practice interviewing. Enlist a friend (better yet, a group of friends and colleagues) to ask you sample questions. Practice making eye contact.
  • Record your practice sessions.
  • Record your practice sessions. Pay attention to body language and verbal presentation. Eliminate verbal fillers, like “uh,” and “um.” Practice using positive body language to signal confidence, even when you’re not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering an interview with your head down and eyes averted, for example, try standing tall with your shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.
  • Handle logistics early. Have your clothes, resume, and directions to the interview site ready ahead of time, to avoid any extra stress.
  • Don’t forget about your references

Don’t let your references be the last to know about your job search, or even worse, get an unexpected call from a potential employer. Many offers are withdrawn over bad references. Why take that chance? Get in touch with your references right away to seek help and to avoid surprises on either side.
  • Are your references relevant to your current job search? Who should you add or subtract?
  • Are there any reference gaps? Gaps that an employer will question? What is your story about those gaps?
  • Can a colleague, vendor, customer, or board member be added to replace or enhance the list?
  • What is the current status of your relationship with your references?

Questions to ask potential employers in job interviews

Being prepared and asking great questions about the position and the employer shows your interest during the interview. You can't just be an effective responder. You need to assert yourself, too. By the time you reach the interviewing stage, you should be clear about what you want and what you offer to the company.
 
 Try to be thoughtful and self-reflective in both your interview questions and your answers. Show the interviewee you know yourself—your strengths and your weaknesses. Be prepared to talk about which areas would present challenges and how you would address them. Admitting true areas of weakness is much more convincing than claiming: "I have what you need and I can do anything I put my mind to."

Questions to ask potential employers in job interviews
  • The people who do well at your company: what skills and attributes do they usually have?
  • What do you like best about working at _____?
  • What results are expected?
  • What specific problems are you hoping to solve during the first six months?
  • Who are the key internal customers? Any special issues with them?
  • What happened to the person who had this job before?
  • What communication style do you prefer?
  • What is your philosophy regarding on-the-job growth and development?
  • What are your goals for the department?

Preparing good interview answers

To get to the motivations and working style of a potential employee, employers often turn to behavioral interviewing, an interviewing style which consists of a series of probing, incisive questions.

 
Sample behavioral interview questions include:
  • Describe a situation in which you didn’t meet your stated goal, how did you handle it?
  • Tell us about a situation in which you encountered resistance from key people, how did you convince the person or people to do what you wanted?
  •  Describe a situation in which you took the initiative to change a process or system and make it better, how did you identify the problem? How did you go about instituting change?
Preparing good interview answers
Interviewers will follow up your preliminary answers with further questions about your actions. To prepare for these types of interview questions, the following tips might help:
  • Review your research about the company and the position.
  • Make a list of key attributes for your desired job.
  • Write sample interview questions that are likely to uncover the attributes you identified as important.
  • Create answers to the sample interview questions based on a template such as “Situation – Action – Result” with specific details from your work experience.
  • Practice answering the interview questions and follow-up questions so that you are very familiar with several detailed examples/stories. Rehearse key points.

Manage stress

 Interviewing for a job can make anyone stressed. In small doses, that stress can actually be beneficial, helping you perform under pressure. However, if stress becomes constant and overwhelming, it can impair the way you communicate during an interview by disrupting your capacity to think clearly and creatively. When you’re stressed, you’re more likely to misread an interviewer or send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals.



If you can’t quickly relieve stress in the moment and return to a calm state, you’ll almost certainly be unable to take advantage of the other interviewing techniques and tips. All our best intentions go out of the window when we’re overwhelmed by stress. It’s only when you’re in a calm, relaxed state that you can think on your feet, recall the stories you’ve practiced, and provide clear answers to an interviewer’s questions. Therefore, it’s vital that you learn quick stress relief techniques ahead of time.

Quick stress relief in an interview

Learn to manage stress

When stress strikes before or during an interview, you obviously can't diffuse it by taking time out to meditate or go for a run. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the moment, though, you can maintain a relaxed, energized state of awareness–even when faced with challenging questions–and remain focused and engaged.

Why you should interview as much as possible

Let’s assume you have focused your search on certain types of jobs and types of employers. You have developed a preferred list of both. You have scanned the horizon, conducted research, compiled your questions, and engaged your network for assistance. Your resume is in order.


Then job openings start to pop up through your web searches and referrals from your network. Some seem close but others don’t quite fit. You quickly skip over those jobs that are "beneath" you, have titles that appear to be foreign, or are in fields or industries you’re unfamiliar with. You have decided to be focused and only apply for positions that exactly match your search criteria.

But limiting your job search limits the possibilities. Once you create too many filters and requirements, you can easily overlook opportunities. In this type of market you have to get out there and actively uncover opportunities. Don't dismiss opportunities to interview based upon superficial and narrow criteria. You never know when an interview for a “not-quite-right” job will result in a surprising match, a referral to another opening, or an entirely new position tailored to fit your unique experience and abilities.

Why you should interview as much as possible:
  • You need the practice. Some of you have not interviewed for a while. You need to refine your story and improve your communication skills, which require practice. That means interviewing as much as you can.
  • Interviewing will refine your job search. By getting out there and interviewing, you’ll learn about new trends, positions, and opportunities, your perspective will shift, and you’ll see new paths that you were previously unaware of.
  • Interviewing will make your network stronger. As you engage your network for interview referrals and recommendations, you will not only strengthen existing connections, but you’ll meet new people who are connected to your network.
  • Interviewing may lead to unexpected opportunities. If you have the skills and impress in the interview, that carries weight in the organization. Employers want to place good people and may even refer you to opportunities outside of the firm.

Final tips for career changers

  • Pace yourself and don’t take on too much at once. Career change doesn’t happen overnight, and it is easy to get overwhelmed with all the steps to successfully change careers. However, you will get there with commitment and motivation. Break down large goals into smaller ones, and try to accomplish at least one small thing a day to keep the momentum going.

      
  • Don’t rush into a change because of unhappiness in your current job. If you are stressed and unhappy in your current job, or unemployed, you might be feeling a lot of pressure to make a quick change. However, if you don’t do enough research, you might end up in an even worse position than before, with the added stress of a new position and new learning curve.
  • Ease slowly into your new career. Take time to network, volunteer, and even work part-time in your new field before committing fully. It will not only be an easier transition, but you will have time to ensure you are on the right path and make any necessary changes before working full-time in your new field.
  • Take care of yourself. You might be feeling so busy with the career transition that you barely have time to sleep or eat. However, managing stress, eating right, and taking time for sleep, exercise, and loved ones will ensure you have the stamina for the big changes ahead.

Consider starting your own business

If you’re getting worn down by a long commute or a difficult boss, the thought of working for yourself can be very appealing. And even in a slower economy, it’s still possible to find your perfect niche. Depending on the specialty, some companies prefer to streamline their ranks and work with outside vendors. However, it is especially important to do your homework and understand the realities of business ownership before you jump in.
  • Make sure you are committed to and passionate about your business idea. You will be spending many long hours getting started, and it may take a while for your business to pay off.
  • Research is critical. Take some time to analyze your area of interest. Are you filling an unmet need? Especially if you are considering an online business, how likely is your area to be outsourced? What is your business plan, and who are your potential investors? Learn more in the Resources section below.
  • Expect limited or no earnings to start. Especially in the first few months, you are building your base and may have start-up costs that offset any profit initially. Make sure you have a plan on how to cope during this period.

Develop your skills and experience

If your chosen career requires skills or experience you lack, don’t despair. There are many ways to gain needed skills. While learning, you’ll also have an opportunity to find out whether or not you truly enjoy your chosen career and also make connections that could lead to your dream job.



Gaining career skills:
  • Utilize your current position. Look for on-the-job training or opportunities to do projects that develop new skills. See if your employer will pay part of your tuition costs.
  • Identify resources in the community. Find out about programs in your community. Community colleges or libraries often offer low cost opportunities to strengthen skills such as computers, basic accounting, or how to start a business. Local Chambers of Commerce, Small Business Administrations, or state job development programs are also excellent resources.
  • Volunteer or work as an intern. Some career skills can be acquired by volunteering or doing an internship. This has the added benefit of getting you in contact with people in your chosen field.
  • Take classes. Some fields require specific education or skills, such as an educational degree or specific training. Don’t automatically rule out more education as impossible. Many fields have accelerated programs if you already have some education, or you may be able to do night classes or part-time schooling so that you can continue to work. Some companies even offer tuition reimbursements if you stay at the company after you finish your education.

Evaluate your strengths and skills

Once you have a general idea of your career path, take some time to figure out what skills you have and what skills you need. Remember, you’re not completely starting from scratch—you already have some skills to start. These skills are called transferable skills, and they can be applied to almost any field. Some examples include:
  • management and leadership experience
  • communication (both written and oral)
  • research and program planning
  • public speaking
  • conflict resolution and mediation
  • managing your time effectively
  • computer literacy
  • foreign language fluency

Tips for discovering your transferable career skills
  • Don’t limit yourself to experiences only at work. When you are thinking about your skills, consider all types of activities including volunteering, hobbies, and life experiences. For example, even if you don’t have formal leadership or program planning experience, founding a book club or organizing a toy drive are ways that you have been putting these skills into practice.
  • List your accomplishments that might fit in. Don’t worry about formatting these skills for a resume at this point. You just want to start thinking about what skills you have. It can be a tremendous confidence booster to realize all of the skills you’ve developed.
  • Brainstorm with trusted friends, colleagues, or mentors. They may be able to identify transferable skills you’ve overlooked or help you better articulate these skills in the future.
  • Uncover more transferable skills by taking the online tests listed in the Resources section below.

Identify occupations that match your interests

So how do you translate your interests into a new career? With a little research, you may be surprised at the careers that relate to many of the things you love to do.

Career tests
Different online tools can guide you through the process of self-discovery. Questions, quizzes, and personality assessments can’t tell you what your perfect career would be, but they can help you identify what’s important to you in a career, what you enjoy doing, and where you excel. One example, frequently used by universities and the U.S. government, is the RIASEC/Holland interest scale. It outlines six common personality types, such as investigative, social, or artistic, and enables you to browse sample careers based on the type of personality you most identify with. Find links to this and other online career tests in the Resources section below.

Researching specific careers
If you have narrowed down some specific jobs or careers, you can find a wealth of information online, from description of positions to average salaries and estimated future growth. This will also help you figure out the practical priorities: How stable is the field you are considering? Are you comfortable with the amount of risk? Is the salary range acceptable to you? What about commute distances? Will you have to relocate for training or a new job? Will the new job affect your family?

Get support and information from others
While you can glean a lot of information from research and quizzes, there’s no substitute for information from someone currently working in your chosen career. Talking to someone in the field gives you a real sense of what type of work you will actually be doing and if it meets your expectations. What’s more, you will start to build connections in your new career area, helping you land a job in the future. Does approaching others like this seem intimidating? It doesn’t have to be. Networking and informational interviewing are important skills that can greatly further your career.

You may also consider career counseling or a job coach, especially if you are considering a major career shift. Sometimes impartial advice from others can open up possibilities you hadn’t considered.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Overcoming obstacles to career happiness

It’s always challenging to consider a huge change in your life, and there may be many reasons why you think changing careers is not possible. Here are some common obstacles with tips on how to overcome them:
  • It’s too much work to change careers. Where would I ever begin? Changing careers does require a substantial time investment. However, remember that it does not happen all at once. If you sit down and map out a rough plan of attack, breaking down larger tasks into smaller ones, it is a lot more manageable than you think. And if the payoff is a happier, more successful career, it’s worth it.
  • I’m too old to change careers. I need to stay where I am. If you have worked for a number of years, you may feel that you’ve put too much time and effort into your career to change midstream. Or you may be concerned about retirement and health benefits. However, the more you’ve worked, the more likely you are to have skills that can transfer to a new career. Even if you are close to receiving a pension or other benefits, you can start to plan now for a career transition after retirement.
  • I don’t have enough skills to consider a new career. You may be unaware of the skills you have, or low self-esteem may lead you to underestimate your marketability. Either way, you probably have more skills than you think. Consider skills you’ve learned not only from your job but also from hobbies, volunteering, or other life experiences. And gaining skills is not an all-or-nothing proposition. You can volunteer once a week or take a night class to move forward, for example, without quitting your current job.
  • In this economy, I’m lucky to have a job. I don’t want to rock the boat. In today’s climate, it might feel like too much of a risk to consider changing careers. However, if you’re unhappy in your current job, doing research on other options will only benefit you in the long run. You may discover a career with a more stable long-term outlook than your current career, for example. And you don’t have to quit your current job until you are confident of your new career path.

Finding meaningful work in today’s world

You may have fallen into the trap of thinking the sole point of work is to bring home enough money to live comfortably. While adequate compensation is important in any job, it’s not the whole story. If you are unsatisfied with what you do every day, it takes a toll on your physical and mental health. You may feel burned out and frustrated, anxious, depressed, or unable to enjoy time at home knowing another workday is ahead. What’s more, if you don’t find your work meaningful and rewarding, it’s hard to keep the momentum going to advance in your career. You are more likely to be successful in a career that you feel passionate about.

Whether you’re looking to enter the work force for the first time or contemplating a career change, the first step to choosing a fulfilling career is to uncover the activities that get you excited and bring you joy.

Discovering new possibilities
The first step in considering a career change is to think carefully about what really drives you. You might find it hard to get past thinking about “what pays the most” or “what is most secure,” especially in today’s economy. However, it’s important to first discover your primary interests and passions. This can open doors to careers that you might not have considered. Once you have that foundation, you can start fine tuning your search for the right career. You may be surprised at how you can fit your passions into a new career.

Exploring your career opportunities
  • Focus on the things you love to do. What have you dreamed of doing in the past? What do you naturally enjoy doing? Jot down what comes to mind, no matter how improbable it seems.
  • Look for clues everywhere. Take note of projects or topics that stir your compassion or excite your imagination. Reflect on stories of people you admire. Ask yourself why certain activities make you happy, and pay attention to times when you are really enjoying yourself.
  • Be patient. Remember that your search may take some time and you might have to go down a few different roads before finding the right career path. Time and introspection will help you identify the activities you most enjoy and that bring you true satisfaction.

Recognize warning signs of excessive stress at work

When you feel overwhelmed at work, you lose confidence and may become irritable or withdrawn. This can make you less productive and less effective in your job, and make the work seem less rewarding. If you ignore the warning signs of work stress, they can lead to bigger problems. Beyond interfering with job performance and satisfaction, chronic or intense stress can also lead to physical and emotional health problems.

Signs and symptoms of excessive job and workplace stress

  • Feeling anxious, irritable, or depressed
  • Apathy, loss of interest in work
  • Problems sleeping
  • Fatigue
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Muscle tension or headaches
  • Stomach problems
  • Social withdrawal
  • Loss of sex drive
  • Using alcohol or drugs to cope

Common causes of excessive workplace stress

  • Fear of being laid off
  • More overtime due to staff cutbacks
  • Pressure to perform to meet rising expectations but with no increase in job satisfaction
  • Pressure to work at optimum levels – all the time!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Coping with work stress in today’s uncertain climate

For workers everywhere, the troubled economy may feel like an emotional roller coaster. "Layoffs" and "budget cuts" have become bywords in the workplace, and the result is increased fear, uncertainty, and higher levels of stress. Since job and workplace stress increase in times of economic crisis, it’s important to learn new and better ways of coping with the pressure.
Your emotions are contagious, and stress has an impact on the quality of your interactions with others. The better you are at managing your own stress, the more you'll positively affect those around you, and the less other people's stress will negatively affect you.

You can learn how to manage job stress

There are a variety of steps you can take to reduce both your overall stress levels and the stress you find on the job and in the workplace. These include:
  • Taking responsibility for improving your physical and emotional well-being.
  • Avoiding pitfalls by identifying knee jerk habits and negative attitudes that add to the stress you experience at work.
  • Learning better communication skills to ease and improve your relationships with management and coworkers.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

We build our lives without room for feeling loved

To feel loved, and to make others feel loved, takes time and the willingness to stay connected to our own feelings and the emotions of others. But modern life is often rushed and full of distractions, excitement, and temptations that divert our attention from our emotional experiences. These distractions absorb our time, attention, and energy, making it difficult to find the intimacy we need.
Over-scheduling and overloading ourselves, losing ourselves in technology, and taking advantage of quick fixes that mask core problems diverts us from the slower, more absorbing task of staying connected to ourselves and others.



Aspects of our disconnected world that can impact our ability to feel loved include:
Quick solutions that can make complicated problems worse
When dealing with health and emotional issues, we tend to look for the easiest solution rather than the best solution. Often that involves simply popping a pill—even when other, healthier options are available.
When Stephen’s boss asked him to move across the country to Chicago, he left behind his family and friends and everything he knew and loved. It wasn’t long before he became lonely and depressed. To combat his depression, Stephen’s new doctor prescribed antidepressants. The medication kept Stephen’s depression at a manageable level, but at the same time the drugs lessened his motivation to go out and meet new friends or explore the city. He either sat inside his office or at home on his couch, never giving Chicago, and his new life, a chance.

Joyce started taking antidepressants at her internist's suggestion when her executive job created more stress than she could bear. At the time, medication seemed like a good idea because it enabled her to continue working at the rapid pace, but two years later when Joyce became so ill she was forced to retire, she found it nearly impossible to withdraw from the medications she no longer wanted to take.
Both Stephen and Joyce opted for the quickest solution when faced with a complicated problem. Lifestyle changes that improve diet, exercise, and sleep have been shown to be as effective for treating mild to moderate depression as medications, without the unpleasant side effects. But taking a pill, for many people, is quicker and simpler. When antidepressants were first developed, they were referred to as emotional straitjackets. Their purpose was to avoid hospitalization for individuals who were suicidal or homicidal.
Today, antidepressants:
  • Serve a necessary purpose for those who really need them, but if you don't need them, or no longer need them, their continued use may have unwanted consequences.
  • Have numbing side effects that make it harder to feel emotions, even those you like such as love and joy.
  •   Numb emotions and reduce motivation, making it more difficult to make changes and take constructive action.
Trying to build social lives around social networks
Technology can facilitate relationships by helping us reconnect with old friends and maintain relationships with people who don't live nearby. But these forms of communication don’t utilize nonverbal communication that is essential to gaining emotional fulfillment in a relationship. Instead of paying attention to the people around us, we’re answering our cell phones, checking emails, posting on social media sites, responding to texts, watching TV, or playing video games. Spending so much time in front of screens teaches us to be spectators instead of engaging with others.

Acme Products' sales team gathered for their weekly meeting. Most of the team members thought the meetings were terribly dull, and so they began bringing out their smart phones and using the time to respond to emails and surf the net. Because they were all focused on their virtual experiences rather than on connecting with each other, no one attempted to make the meetings more interesting, more interactive, or more productive.

Courting stress
Modern life is full of hassles, deadlines, frustrations, and demands that can overload your nervous system with stress. Overwhelming stress can:
  • Limit your actions to fighting, fleeing, or freezing.
  • Cause you to say and do things you later regret.
  • Cause you to misunderstand and misread other people.
  • Disrupt your capacity to think clearly and creatively and act appropriately.
Sometimes we even court stress by making choices that increase, rather than reduce, stress. Being constantly on the go can make us feel busy, important, wanted, and needed by others.

You court stress when you:
  • Make yourself available by smart phone or computer 24 hours a day.
  • "Relax" by watching TV or movies or by playing video games that are each increasingly louder, faster, more frightening, and more violent than the last one, making more and more demands of your nervous system.
  • Don’t get enough sleep or exercise, or eat a balanced diet.
Stress can also be made more complicated by early-life experiences that undermine our attempts to behave differently.

Through therapy, Jordan discovered his trust issues came from his relationship with his mother. He knew that his wife, Lois, was unlike his mother, but when pressure built and he became overwhelmed, Jordan’s anger spilled over and poisoned their marital relationship.

Liz grew up not knowing whether to expect kisses or slaps from her father. When she became a mother herself, Liz never hit her children, but she would fly into such rages that her kids feared her much as she had once feared her father.

Having no time to feel loved or make others feel loved
Feeling loved is a process that can’t happen when you’re thinking about something else, planning, problem solving, or otherwise absorbed in your own thoughts. It takes time to notice, understand, and respond to what you’re feeling or what another person feels.
Patrick was a conscientious pediatrician who made frequent house calls on the weekends. He had a large family of his own and his youngest son, Frank, wondered why his daddy took such good care of other children but didn’t have time for him.

Emotional exchanges that make you or the ones you love feel loved can only occur when you:
  • Take time for emotional connection.
  • Are relaxed.
  • Are able to be emotionally present in the moment.
  • Pay attention to the nonverbal cues that you and others send and receive.

How to feel loved and make others feel loved

If you're very lucky, you learn the skills for feeling loved early in infancy. Before you can speak or think, you can learn to manage stress and self-soothe. In addition, you can learn that your feelings matter because your parent or caretaker successfully responded to your emotional signals. 
If you’re not part of the lucky few who learned these abilities as infants, you can still learn them in later in life by mastering two core skills:
  • The ability to recognize and manage stress.
  • The ability to stay connected to what you feel.


     Developing the core skills for feeling loved
Bring Your Life Into Balance
Helpguide’s free Bring Your Life Into Balance mindfulness program can teach you these core skills and help you build healthy, fulfilling relationships so you are able to feel loved and make others feel loved.

How we compensate for not feeling loved

When we feel disconnected and unfulfilled, when we long to feel loved and make others feel loved, we may try to fill the void with habits and distractions that numb and distance us from our emotions. We may eat too much, drink too much, shop too much, or obsess too much. The trouble is that the reprieve these actions provide is only temporary, and by distracting ourselves like this, we end up living lives that take us further and further away from the experience of feeling loved and making others feel loved.

In college, Max was a star soccer player loved by fans around the country. But after graduation and a knee operation, he stopped playing and slowly grew overweight. To make matters worse, he didn’t like his job and lived alone, and had no one to confide in. Whenever he was upset, angry, lonely, stressed, exhausted, or bored, he turned to food. Eating allowed him to momentarily feel better, but the weight he gained made him feel unattractive and less willing to reach out to make new friends.

Carol couldn’t seem to get enough stuff–fancier cars and more dresses and shoes then she could ever need. Many of her friends thought she was just having fun, but in reality the shopping distracted her from her emotionally abusive husband at home who made her feel worthless.

Devon's fear of insects was so intense that even in the hottest weather he insisted on keeping all his windows closed. He also repeated an elaborate ritual to check for insects every night before getting into bed. These obsessive and compulsive behaviors began when his over-protective parents began a private war using their relationship with Devon to hurt one another.

What the experience of feeling loved is like

Though it was after midnight, when Linda called her friend Joan with news about her recurrence of breast cancer, Joan immediately jumped out of bed and drove to Linda’s house. When she arrived, Joan hugged Linda and quickly made them both a cup of tea. Then, sitting close—close enough to put her arms around her—she asked her friend to tell her everything about her illness, including everything she was feeling.

When Frances saw the look on her husband's face, she knew Ed had experienced another discouraging day at work. No matter how hard Ed tried, he just couldn’t seem to please his boss. Frances quickly got a board game set up for the kids, and then gave Ed her undivided attention. Over the course of an hour, Frances was able to draw Ed out and patiently listen to his feelings until she saw a shift in his mood.

Do you have someone you can contact in the middle of the night if you’re upset, someone who’ll not only listen to you, but will genuinely care about what you’re feeling and want to help? Would your spouse or partner want to talk to you, or would he or she just roll over and tell you to go back to sleep? Even if you live alone, do you have someone who’s there to console you when you’re down and celebrate with you when you’re excited? Do you have someone you trust and feel safe with?

Feeling loved requires you to focus on what is happening in the moment between you and the other person. This is largely done through nonverbal communication or body language, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture and gestures, touch, and the timing and pace of a conversation. When you can pick up on another person’s nonverbal cues, you’ll be able to tell how he or she really feels and be able to respond accordingly.
  • The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.
  • Connecting to someone requires eye contact when they open up to you, a hug to show empathy, a gesture that says you’re listening when they talk, and a smile that says you care.

Why we need to feel loved

The need to connect to others is a biological human need, similar to the need for food and water. We can't escape it; it’s hardwired into our brains. For most of human history, our survival depended on being with others to find food and shelter, protect us from predators, and to thrive intellectually. Even if we feel less dependent on others today, the need to connect still exists. No matter how much some of us might try to deny it, we hunger for that meaningful connection to others that makes us feel loved. Our instincts remain primed to:
  • Pick up on nonverbal cues that tell us how others feel about us.
  • Connect to faces that express caring and concern.
  • Depend on emotional communication.
  • Search for relationships that make us feel safe and secure.

Why more feels like less

We have more things than ever before: more possessions, more food, more contacts, and more access to information and locations around the world. But even though we have so much more, it can often still feel like less.

How is that possible? Just as you can eat without being nourished and drink without quenching your thirst, you can be connected without feeling connected. You can satisfy an urge without feeling you’ve satisfied a need. You can have hundreds of friends online, instant message colleagues on the other side of the world, or order the same shirt in a dozen different colors and have it on your doorstep in days, but if you’re not making honest, face-to-face connections where you can touch, read non-verbal cues, or give undivided attention, than it’s nearly impossible to feel connected, or feel loved.
Similarly, you can express caring for others and receive care yourself without getting what you really need—that sense of feeling loved.

Why feeling loved is so important
When we feel loved we:
  • Feel less stressed and more relaxed.
  • Can be ourselves knowing that we are valued for who we really are.
  • Don't have to hide or numb our feelings.
  • Can connect to the wisdom of our emotions and our emotional intelligence.
  • Are better able to cope with difficult situations and recover from setbacks and losses.
  • Feel more self-confidence and find it easier to explore new possibilities and be creative.

When we don't feel loved, we struggle connecting to others
Too often our loved ones don’t seem to understand or appreciate us, and this makes us feel misunderstood or unimportant to those we’re supposed to be closest to. We hear them say, “I love you,” or they give us gifts or other tokens of love, but they rarely look at us or have the time to sit down with us for any length of time. Instead of feeling deeply connected to them, we feel confused, distanced, or disconnected.

Nancy did everything she could to make her children feel loved: She had natural births, breast fed them, carried them strapped against her skin, and read countless books on how to best care for their upcoming needs. But even though Nancy changed their diapers in a timely manner and fed them nutritious meals and took them to see the doctor when they were sick, her son grew up lonely without making many true friends, and her daughter often hid in her room and communicated with the world only from her computer. Nancy didn’t know where she went wrong. She imparted as much love as she thought she could, but as her life got busier and busier, she never read the signs that just because her children were loved, they didn’t feel loved, or self-confident enough to reach out to others.

In order to make others feel loved we first need to experience feeling loved ourselves. When we don't know what this experience is, we are apt to offer comfort and support that, though well intended, may miss the mark.

Things we do for loved ones that may not result in them feeling loved:
  • Provide excellent physical care.
  • Try to make them happy.
  • Protect them from experiencing painful or disagreeable emotions.
  • Provide intellectual stimulation.

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